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UPDATE 6-14-06 I decided to bring this little gem out of the closet, its perhaps one of the funniest things that's ever happened on earth. Sorry to Shana and Wilson for having to relive this nightmare.
Shit War Diary
The First Entry
I'm happy to report
that I can now piss in my toilet!! Now I know some
of you are asking what the hell am I talking about?? Well to inform
you all that don't know, Wilson and Shana took shits in my toilet and
clogged the hell out of it. But wait it gets better. While I was away
from my apt, I let them stay at my apt for the day. When I got back
from my ranch, I went to my bathroom needing to relieve myself. But to
my dismay, there was a plunger buried in a pile of shit. Ohh wait
there's more. Before I almost puked on myself, I saw shit all over my
bathroom floor!!! Through my educated guess, I figure they flushed the
toilet while it was clogged and let the shit run over the toilet and
onto the floor!!! Well it gets better, they used ALL my towels and
threw them on top of their shit that flowed onto the ground!!! This
was on Sunday. Now its Tuesday night oct2. Now the towels have shit
stuck on them, and not to mention a foul odor.
>
So here I am, standing in front of my toilet with shit water on the
ground, shit all over the toilet.
Well I try to plunge their shit out of the damn thing, but no luck. So
the next day I buy a toilet auger, and some fucking chemicals. The
auger fails.
So I pour the chems into the toilet last night. I wake up, no luck. So
I take a shit in the apt office bathroom, then I take another one at
school. All b/c my toilet is clogged full of shana and wilsons shit.
Anyways, I get home, I have to take a piss, so I piss in my shower.
Now its Tues night, and I go check the toilet, the water has
RECEDED!!! But not completely. So I do a test flush, to my dismay, the
shitter flushes, but the water stays at the top of the rim :(
>
But, the water now goes down FASTER!!! YEEE HAWWW!!!! So now I can
piss in my toilet again!!!
This is so cool, b/c you know, I had to clean up somebody else's SHIT
off the ground. Not to mention the dry shit that's all over the
toilet!!! Maybe some of you do not know what its like to scrub up
somebody else's dry shit off the ground, but its really amazing!!! I
love it so much, please everybody come stay at my apt, take a massive
shit, use lots of toilet paper, flush and clog it. Then let it run
over, spill shitwater on the ground, then use ALL my towels and throw
them on top of your shit!!! And while your at it, pick up your shit
and throw it around my apt, I love SHIT!! Please, I love it. I want to
clean up after everybody's shit!!! I enjoy it soo much!!! I like
taking shits at school and in the office shitter!!!
>
FUCK YOU!!!!
2nd Journal Entry
Day 10,
>
Things are not looking good here on the front. I'm starting to get
weary of the efforts put forward.
>With every plunge, with every chemical used in this god forsaken war,
The Clog stands firm. It is dark here now, a very eerie silence has
fallen. The clog has dug in, I fear it will be a long time before we
know the extent of the damage. Oh how I long for the sound of a
flushing toilet. Indeed it seems like its been scores of years since
I've heard such a sound.
The swirl, the flush, clean sounding operation of a functioning
toilet. Ohh god, I've heard something...
it's a horrible sound... Noo no, not again please no... I must leave
now, I shall try and write more later....
>
>
3rd Journal Entry
> Subject: *VICTORY*
S-DAY
> Date: Wed, 17 Oct 2001 23:17:22 +0000
>
---------------------------------
I am proud to announce the war has ended. After many days of plunging and
chemical warfare, I have claimed victory!!!! It seems too long ago when I was
able to shit in my own bathroom. Finally no more sneaking around campus, and
taking care of business at the apartments office bathroom. I no longer have to
feel ashamed!!! The clog fought with great honor. Now, the time has come to
begin the massive cleanup efforts around the toilet. There is still much to
clean, for Wilson and Shana left me inches of dried shit. My hat goes off to
them for the incredible clog, and the dried shit all over the floor. Now I can
shit in peace, and not be embarrassed at school anymore. I would first like to
thank all of you that stood by me.
I had alot of support, and if it wasn't for you guys, well I may have just
called a plumber. But know, you all gave me the strength to see this through.
Special thanks to Brandon Meachum, for helping me feel better about myself, and
Will, at least I made somebody laugh.
I'm not sure what lies ahead of me now, but first I will give the shitter a
test. God Bless.
R4G3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And Now the Exclusive Interview with the Culprits of SHIT
Subject: News report
> Date: Wed, 17 Oct 2001 16:32:36 +0000
>
> Steven Wilson is the origin of the feces
>
> R4G3
> The Saintly News
>
>
>
> Saintly News | At approximately 2:00 pm last Sunday, Steven Wilson
> began to experience mysterious intestinal rumblings.
>
> Although in the apartment of a friend, the situation quickly
> escalated, necessitating an immediate trip to the restroom.
> Once there, Wilson began to
> realize that the situation was dire.
>
>
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> The Origin
> Of The Feces
>
> The New Comic About
> Steven Wilson
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> In a statement from the bathroom, Wilson said, "Due
> to the urgent nature of
> my condition, I neglected to verify that my chosen
> stall was clogged.
> However, that cloggage did not immediately become
> apparent until it was too
> late."
>
> Steven Wilson experienced a bowel movement best
> characterized as "explosive"
> during an unfortunate incident that was later
> determined to be the result of
> eating two and a half servings of dried Turkish
> apricots.
>
> "I was only trying to be like Shana by eating
> healthy snacks instead of crap
> out of the vending machine," stated Wilson. "How was
> I supposed to know it's
> a natural laxative?"
>
> Dr. Schlomo Weisenstein of the National Institutes
> of Health comments,
> "While not many people are aware of the laxative
> properties of dried
> apricots, rarely does their consumption produce such
> cataclysmic results.
> The NIH has issued several bulletins about this
> effect, but each day several
> people fall prey to the intestine-savaging
> properties of dried fruit."
>
> "I unzipped my pants and tried to hold it in until I
> could sit down," said
> Wilson, "but it was just too strong for me. A
> torrent a feces was unleashed
> upon my immediate surroundings. It was like a dam
> broke and a river of shit
> poured forth."
>
> It was around this time that Steven Wilson became
> aware of the toilet clog
> situation.
>
> "At that point, I'd made quite a mess of both the
> stall and my khaki pants,"
> remembered Wilson, shuddering a bit. "Since I knew
> that the bathroom was
> only equipped with a plunger, my only hope was to
> throw clean shower towels
> ontop of the shit water."
> "It was pretty terrible," said one of Wilson's
> girlfriends, who wished to
> remain anonymous. "I walked in to relieve my bladder
> and there was Steven
> Wilson, covered in feces from the waist down. The
> smell was horrible. I
> didn't know whether to laugh or to cry."
>
> "This is probably the grossest thing I've ever seen
> -- and you know that
> I've seen Steven Wilson do some pretty darn gross
> things," concluded the
> girlfriend.
>
> With a hand covered in a poop, Wilson made a mad
> dash for his tahoe, hailed
> by the girlfriend. It was only hours later that the
> news media was alerted.
>
> "I'll never eat dried fruit again," said a very
> relieved Wilson. "Parents
> should warn their kids about this menace, and
> husbands should be watching
> their wives. They ought to have a warning label of
> some kind printed on the
> package, like you find on those chips. 'Beware of
> anal leakage,' or
> something like that."
>
> Although the resident at Wilsons place of fecal
> dispersment could not be
> reached for comment, there is a ongoing
> investigation into the conclusion of
> the disaster.